I wanted to write for my angel baby, but I don't want her due date to be a sad day. I decided to write this earlier so I can get the deep feelings out before her due date so I can truly celebrate her. This is the declaration of my love for her and undying attachment to her. Maybe it won't work and I will still struggle. I believe her memory shouldn't be drenched in sadness. No person, no matter how short their time on the earth, should be remembered exclusively in sadness. I am okay with being sad on the anniversary of her loss, but I want to celebrate that tiny little life on her due date. Every October third will be a lovely, special family day. It will be her "We love you" day party.
I knew October third would come hard and fast. I lost my sweet angel baby in February. She doesn't have an official name (and she won't until Joey and I see her), but I call her Bailey. Due date week is different than I thought it would be. There's a lot more longing than I thought. I have some things for her little sister and, while it's fun to through baby clothes, I get a little twinge - would Bailey have worn this? Would she be wearing this now? Would we have already had her? Would she be with us now?
I want my angel baby. I want her so badly. I wish I could hold her in my arms and hug her and tell her I love her the way I do with James. I wish I knew what color her eyes would be, and if she had curly hair like James and I do. I feel guilty about this because we are pregnant with her litte sister. I am hyper aware that if we had not lost Bailey, we would not have little sister. I want little sister, too, I want to have them both. It feels really complicated to have your rainbow baby dancing around your tummy on the due date of your angel baby. It's a mix of positive and negative.
The "Should have"'s "Could have"'s plague me. I'm supposed to be getting ready to welcome my second child into the world. If things were different I could have been in labor in the hospital right now. I'm not because my second child died months ago. I have my first and third children, but my second is gone. If whatever killed her never happened would I be holding her right now? Would I be complaining about sleepless nights and making sure James is gentle with his baby sister?
Bailey and her little sister would have been three months apart. I know this is physiologically impossible, but my girls are 3 months apart. They will know each other one day, or maybe they knew each other before they each entered my belly. I hope they were best friends in the pre existence and that they'll be close when they meet again. My heart tugs all around because I want them both. I feel thankful for little sister, but I still want Bailey. I know I wouldn't have little sister if I had Bailey and I can't have Bailey when I have little sister. That's biology and biology is not fair. They're my children and I want to hold them in my arms. I am their mother. A mother is allowed to want these things even if she's not allowed to have them.
I yearn to know what it would be like to bring a healthy Bailey into the world. I know I will see her again, and while that can be comforting it doesn't change how things work in this life. Jesus knew Lazarus would rise from the dead and he still wept with Mary and Martha. Just like he knew they had lost him for that time, he knows I have lost Bailey for this time and he will allow me to mourn and miss and love her until he reunites us, which I know he will.
I hope little sister was there when Bailey returned to heaven. I hope they stayed together with any possible brothers/sisters they may have that I don't know about, yet. I hope little sister got a beautiful send-off from Bailey to us. I hope they love each other, I hope that they were able to hold each other as our family grappled with Bailey's loss here on earth. I hope Bailey sent her sister trailing clouds of glory to come be where she couldn't.
Does Bailey know I love her? Does she know that her little sister coming so close to what should have been her birthday doesn't make me love either of them less? Does she know how unconditionally wanted and loved she is?
Some days I feel like she's becoming distant. I don't want Bailey to become distant, I want her to be a part of our life and family forever. I don't mean just after this life but even during it. I want her here continuously.
I hope my darling child gets to commune with our Savior as we wait to be reunited. I hope she gets to live in all of His glory right now. I know He is holding her for me.
I miss you Bailey.
